An Interview with an Addict

October 11, 2008 at 1:55 am (Mary McQueary)

  

When was the first time you tried it?

I’m not exactly sure, but I had a regular habit by the time I was 20.

 

That’s a year younger than the drinking age

Yes, the first time I tried it I was at least 17. 

 

How long have you been without?

This time, three years. 

 

Have you gone without before?

Yes, when I was pregnant, I thought it best to go without; I wasn’t sure what effects it might have on a fetus. I’ve stopped and started a few times now.

 

What happens to make you want to do it again?

Peer pressure, I suppose.

 

Peer pressure from whom?

Everyone – society, complete strangers, friends, even some of my family members have voiced their opinion about it.

 

Your family thinks you should?

Some do, some don’t. They are loving and accepting no matter if I do or don’t. This time I think my mother will be disappointed. Whenever I admit I’m feeling ready to start up again she’ll  remind me of what happened in Chicago.

 

What happened in Chicago?

We met two women who admired me. But they thought I was using. Which I wasn’t. So to me it doesn’t validate not using.

 

You’ve warned your daughter against it, doesn’t that make you a hypocrite if you do?

In a way it does, and it doesn’t. I believe though that one shouldn’t if they don’t have a need to.

 

And you feel you have a need?

Yes. I’ve been feeling the pressure and want to stop the negativity I feel within me and around me.

 

Have you told your husband you were going to again?

Yes, he was shocked. I’d been talking smack about it for a while trying to convince myself I didn’t need it. I think I had him convinced I’d never do it again.

 

What is going through your mind right now?

What the negatives are if I do it. Wondering if I want to put up with needing a fix every other week.

 

Don’t do it.

Is there anything anyone can say to stop you from doing it again?

Not really, for I’ve heard all the arguments. Usually the people that are against it have never tried it or been in a position to even think about wanting to try it. To those that judge I ask, ‘What would you do if you were me?’ A lot of times, they don’t have an answer to that.

 

What does it feel like when you do it?

It tingles your head inside and out. I do it for the maximum time I can, 45 minutes.  

 

Do you do anything special during the 45 minutes?

I get into the tub and either read or just think, and drink lots of ice cold water. 

 

After the initial 45 minutes, what?

Then its time for the rush, when you get to see the results. It’s usually a shock no matter how often you do it, but this time around, it’ll be a big shock because it’s been so long since I did it last. It’ll be dramatic!

 

(Later)

I see that you went ahead and did it. How do you feel? Was it worth it?

Yes. I thought maybe I would feel like I compromised but I don’t. At least not at the moment. It’s only been a couple of hours and I’m still feeling the endorphin rush. Part of me was relieved when immediately things were set back to positive, both inside my head and in the world around me. There’s nothing like the salve of a compliment to heal a bruised ego.

 

Postscript:

Drug of choice was Miss Clairol, Nice n’ Easy, natural light neutral brown #116.

 

– Mary McQueary

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